Golden Calves

Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day.

I kind of forget about it. I've never had a girlfriend, so the holiday has never really meant much to me; except maybe to make me aware that I've never had a girlfriend, which is something I expend a fair amount of energy trying to forget.

This is the part where, in years past, I might have gone on a rant about how stupid the holiday is. I would probably have said at some point that it's a holiday invented by card and chocolate companies to make us spend money. Which is likely true; but to be honest, if I did have someone, I'd be buying cards and chocolate like everyone else.

So I'll say it: I really wish I had someone. I do. The girl in my dreams is short; she's pretty, not hot. She has red hair, and gets all her clothes at Anthropologie, and she is always down to get a loaf of bread and go feed ducks. We get all dressed up like rich folks going to an opera; but instead, we go have a picnic. It's just the kind of people we are.

And that's what it looks like inside my head. A lot of the time. Probably more of the time than is reasonable or healthy.

I am what I am. Laugh if it pleases you.

God is teaching me to be patient, and to commit my girl (or lack thereof) to him. It's a hard lesson, and I'm not enjoying it. But in retrospect, all those times I thought I was ready to love a girl, I wasn't really; and all those girls I was so infatuated with weren't right for me at all. I'm better off for having been alone all this time. At this point, I'd have to be pretty dense to keep on trying to win this game on my own. And anyway, it's so much easier to just enjoy girls' friendship when I'm not worrying about whether or not I want to try to date them. Girls are great people, and when I try to form them to some mold I have in my mind, I completely miss out on that.

I'm not sure where this is supposed to turn into advice, or insight, or whatever. I think I might be better off if I just stop trying to advise other people, and live honestly in front of them instead. I guess if I were going to say anything, it would be this: If you're alone tomorrow, like I will be, don't worry about it. Rest in the knowledge that if there's someone for you, then God knows about them, and He's taking care of the situation, preparing both of you for one another; and even if there isn't someone for you, He will be enough, if you'll let Him. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's good medicine; it's bitter in your mouth, but sweet in your stomach.

And I can never tell; she might be right around the corner.

Happy Valentine's day. May the God of peace be with you.

A Prayer

Father, helpless, I look to you.
Have mercy on a boy at the end of his rope.
If the rest of the world is buying cheap grace on Sundays and worshipping at the bank,
Then I am clasping my hands and parting my hair,
Hoping that if I put the right gift on the altar, maybe I can play harp one day.

Lord, are you some fickle totem?
If we perform the right dance, will you give us rain?
Are you a cosmic vending machine?
But even if we had quarters, you gave them to us to begin with!

Christ, have mercy on me.
Rescue me from all this fruitless posturing; deliver me from this foolish thought: that I might somehow earn your favor.

Draw near to me, my God and Father.
I am bankrupt. I am weak. I am foolish and conceited and lazy and self-righteous, and I need you.
If you will have mercy on me, then I will exult even in this; for your strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I thank you, for you are merciful.
Amen.