Time

I have Wednesdays off from work, for reasons that aren't entirely clear to me. It seems like it's the one day of the week when everyone else in the world is busy. So usually, I just end up spending the whole day alone; which isn't good for me, because at some point over these three post-home school years, I've become an extrovert--which is not to say that I'm always fun or interesting to be around; but I draw a sort of energy from being around people I like, and when I'm alone and unoccupied for a whole day like I was today, I kind of go crazy. Today it was so bad that I was willing to just go for an aimless drive, even though gas is more expensive than human blood, and even though I drive a '92 Blazer that chugs it, and even though it was close to 1 am.

Another symptom of the kind of loneliness I can get on days like this is a sort of nameless melancholy. I say nameless because a lot of the time it doesn't really have an object. Sometimes I just feel sad, and it's not because of anything in particular. Tonight God used that feeling of sadness to kind of open up some deep places in my heart; things related to my past and my childhood that I hadn't really brought to him for healing yet.

I decided to drive by the house I lived in about 12 years ago, when I was nine years old, because it's kind of out in the sticks, but not a sketchy place to go at one in the morning. Seeing it got me thinking about my childhood. People talk about having good or bad or happy or tragic childhoods, but to be honest, I don't know which of those would best describe mine. Maybe I was just not as reflective as other children, but whether or not my childhood was good or bad really depended on whatever was happening to me at any given moment. On days when I didn't have school work to do and I got to play video games a lot, I had a good childhood; on days when I had to go with my mom on errands or--God forbid!--to the mall, I had a bad childhood. I don't think I really had a sense of continuity between days, or even between different parts of the same day, until I was eleven or twelve years old.

But thinking about my childhood did bring up the rest of my past, and things did happen that were more detrimental than a day lost to shopping. I think I've had kind of a utilitarian approach to the painful things that have happened in my past; "I know what happened, I've learned what I can from it, let's move on." But in my hurry to get past the pain, I think I may have neglected to take it to God, and ask for His healing. If God will heal me of the wounds I've suffered, then I know He can use even my scars to show His glory. But if I don't take the injuries and disappointments of my past to Him, they become just some bad things that happened to me, that maybe I learned something about coping or human nature from, but that ultimately don't mean much.

I don't want to go on with the futile bandages of utilitarianism over these cuts and wounds. I want to open them up to my Father's healing hands.

But God has been good to me, especially over the past few years, since I've moved back to Georgia. And in reminding me of my past, He also brought to my memory all the good things that have happened in it. I've been blessed beyond telling in the wonderful people He's brought into my life over these three-and-a-half years; friends, and role models, and brothers and sisters. My heart is full because of them. God has taught me so much through the people He's brought into my life in recent years. My friends have been the kindness and provision of God to me. When I was backwards and weird, they reached out to me, to better me; when I was lonely, they comforted me; when I was a pessimistic killjoy, they brightened me up. I can't even express my gratitude toward and for them. And though I've drifted apart from many of them, God is teaching me even in that how to enjoy His gifts for a season while He gives them, and gracefully and thankfully let them go when He takes them away. There are friends I've lost touch with, but I am never far from them in spirit. They have a home in my heart.

Right here in the present, I am happier, and more joyful, and more hopeful, and more at peace than I have ever been. I am walking more closely with God than I ever have. Wonderful things are happening, and I am very much looking forward to what God is going to do. He's bringing new people into my life, and I am excited to build new relationships with them, with Christ as our foundation. I don't have any idea what's going to happen, but I know God is going to be in it, and I'm genuinely excited to be who and where I am right now.

I suppose that's all kind of rambling, but it's been an emotional night for me, and I didn't want to let the urgency of it slip away without trying to write it down. Thank you for reading my ramblings. God bless you.