5/9/10

From my journal:

I want to be the kind of old man who has eyes that are always smiling; who calls young women "dear" and it's comforting, and not creepy or condescending; who calls young men "son", and there is a sense in which it is true. And the old man that I will be is going to be determined by the young man that I am. I am trying to be a young man that will turn into that kind of old man, and I need God's love.

I need God's love.

And I am afraid that somehow I can't ever be that old man. I don't know why — the fear doesn't explain itself. But it is there.

I want to be that old man, and I want to be the young man who is going to become that old man. I want to work toward it, but I can never remember. Maybe one day out of twenty I remember, and that's not enough. And I'm afraid.

I am growing old. I am growing old. We all are growing old.

Let's have children and teach them to worship God, and then even after we die, we will still, in a sense, be able to worship God on the earth. What else is there to live for?

What else have I wasted myself on?

What else is there but You?